


broken by design

by onalona



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 12:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18498994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onalona/pseuds/onalona
Summary: Alec thinks of the past week. Of Magnus’ unending fatigue. Of his increasing panic and anxiety. Of his self-deprecation, a thin veneer to the self-hatred simmering under the surface. Of the uncharacteristic anger with Madzie, or coldness with Alec. Of the way Magnus had broken down just moments ago.Or: Losing his magic leads to Magnus losing himself a little bit.





	broken by design

**Author's Note:**

> This is slightly divergent from canon, so everyone still reckons Clary is dead. This starts on a Monday, and is based on Magnus losing his magic on the Friday beforehand.
> 
> Hope you enjoy me venting my own feelings through Magnus and his situation. Also, TW for mentions of anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I know these are sensitive issues - please know that I wrote this from my own experiences, and that everyone's experiences of these things are different.
> 
> (Title from "Say" by Ruel)

It's Monday, and Magnus feels tired.

Sleep's been a bit of a struggle ever since that day, though he has to admit that this is probably the best he's felt since everything went down. Waking up at some godforsaken hour in the early morning suddenly doesn't seem so bad when he gets to wake up with Alec next to him.

Now, Magnus lays on his side, looking at his boyfriend in the twinkling light of dawn. He's beautiful, something Magnus knew from the first moment he laid eyes on him, from the first moment they had exchanged words. Alec, eyes wide and smile surprised in nature as he had mumbled his name and stumbled over his words after just having dispatched a Circle member. It was alluring, at the time.

But there's so much more allure to the man now. Now that Magnus knows of the intricacies that make up the man's heart. The way he has worked so hard to be proud and comfortable of who he is. The passion in which he fights the good fight, learning and growing in his view of the world, much of it for Magnus’ sake. The determination in how he protects those he loves. Alec Lightwood is the love of his life, and that more than anything, means that everything Magnus has been through has been worth it.

Still, it's hard. It's been three days, and Magnus feels the loss of his magic like a phantom pain, constant and burdensome and exhausting. Like a limb was cut off years ago, and now all that's left is not the harsh edge of searing pain, but a cold hollow emptiness. There's a hole in Magnus’ soul, and he worries that it will never truly be filled again.

It's in the little things. The way he has to be aware of every movement he makes, unable to close a door or cross a country with a wave of his hand anymore. The pity in other people's eyes, as if he's been held down by some affliction.  _ What a shame,  _ their gazes scream.  _ Such a shame. _

But Magnus wanted this. Anything to save those he loves, to stand a chance against Lilith.  _ Anything to help. _

Magnus and Alec are different. Yet they're eerily similar on some deep innate level, and maybe that's why they're meant to be.

Alec turns his head, sighing loudly as he flickers to alertness. Blearily, he blinks his eyes awake after a moment, and glances at Magnus’ face, only a breath of space between them.

“Morning,” Alec rasps, voice throaty and deep from sleep, a slight dopey smile on his face. Magnus appreciates this immensely. There was a time where Magnus questioned if they'd ever be able to have this, wondering if Alec would ever be sure enough in himself to let himself be truly happy like this.

“Hi,” Magnus sighs in response, and he tries to keep the tiredness out of his voice. He really does.

Of course, with Alec, it doesn't work.

“Couldn't sleep?” Alec asks quietly, concern jolting him until he's sitting up, and he peers down at Magnus with worry warring with residual tiredness in his gaze.

Before Alec, Magnus would've shuddered in repulsion at the concept of leaning so much on someone. That, he's learnt in life, only leads to heartbreak and isolation, realising you're all alone in the world. But he and Alec have been through it all, and Magnus realises in surprise that he doesn't want to hide. He loves Alec, trusts him so much.

And so, he nods solemnly. “Couldn't sleep,” Magnus affirms, rubbing his eyes a little as he gazes up at Alec.

Any leftover sleepiness immediately evaporates from Alec's expression, and he leans over Magnus before reaching out gently to sweep some stray hairs away from Magnus’ face. He smiles, but it's sad and small and speaks of a million different things that neither of them can verbalise.

“I wish I knew what to do,” Alec sighs, voice rough and warbled, eyes wide and close. Magnus feels as if he could drown in that gaze, full of an amalgamation of sadness and wonder and love and a million other feelings that Magnus feels as well, deep in his soul.

“You're here. That's all I need,” Magnus replies. Even as the words leave his mouth, he doesn't know if he truly means it. But Magnus doesn't know what he needs, what he wants. He just knows that without Alec, he'd be lost.

Alec doesn't look like he believes Magnus either, judging by the slight arch of his brow and the small frown on his face. But it's early, and Magnus feels so fatigued, and so, he shakes his head slightly, as if silently indicating that the conversation is over.

Gratefully, Alec just nods shortly, before he leans down and wraps his arms around Magnus. The weight on top of him is a comforting presence, and Magnus grounds himself in the embrace as he manages to bring his arms out to hug Alec back.

Alec is warm and makes Magnus feel more present than he has since he felt the last tendrils of his magic burn away.

“I'm here for you. No matter what,” Alec says, voice no longer shaky, but as sure and strong as his embrace.

Magnus can hear the invitation in the comforting words.  _ I'm here for you, if you want to talk. No matter what. _

But it's Monday morning, early. And Magnus just feels too tired. So he just holds on, holds onto Alec's body and words, and hopes with all his heart that things will get better.

~

It's Tuesday, and Magnus feels stressed.

Now that he no longer has his magic, he has to find some way to restore the wards at the New York Institute. Getting the fire message about it earlier had not been the most welcome way to wake up, but Alec had been very supportive and accommodating in his words.

Magnus knows that the only reason Alec would ask about it is because the safety of not just the Shadowhunters, but the safety of New York, is dependent on the Institute running well. That includes the wards.

It's taken all day to organise, and Magnus had to call in a couple of favours to get it sorted. Alec and Izzy helped when they could, but they were called off more than a few times in relation to dealing with the aftermath of Lilith. Catarina came in at one point, but Magnus tried not to put all the work on her. God only knows that she's already done so much for not just him, but for the Shadowhunters.

It's when one of his contacts randomly decides to not show up that Magnus feels truly freaked out. He knows, rationally, that it's really not that big of a deal. Most of the wards have been reinforced, probably just as strong as his had been before. And it's not like he can blame anyone, considering that he's probably the last warlock (if he can even call himself that anymore) that anyone would want to get close to. Lorenzo probably has a giant reward waiting for whoever hands in Magnus’ head on a platter, and self-preservation is something Magnus can't fault.

Standing near the Institute's back exit, Magnus starts pacing around the hallway, racking his brain. This would all be _ so much easier _ if he had his magic.

_ Life is so much easier with magic. _

He's a failure. He can't even bring together a few people to help with the wards. If he can't do something as simple as that, what good is he? He doesn't have any magic anymore. How useful is he if he can't even get someone to help work on something for the greater good of New York?

“Magnus!” the voice is warm and welcoming, and Magnus stops his pacing only to spin on the spot and see Alec approaching him. “I'm so sorry about that. Had to deal with some stupid reports for the Clave and… hey, are you alright?”

Magnus only realises at that moment that he's fidgeting. He fights to stand still, bringing his gaze up to his boyfriend's.

“It's nothing. It's just, well… my friend flaked on me. I don't think I'll be able to organise getting the wards up for the back entrance today,” Magnus sighs loudly.

Alec expression turns quizzical, surprise clear in the crease of his brow. “Wait, I've only been gone a few hours, Magnus. I wasn't expecting you to do the whole Institute today. And I definitely wasn't expecting you to do it mainly yourself. I only wanted you to come in and help others and give a little input,” Alec puts a hand on Magnus’ shoulder, expression teetering back to the expression that Magnus is beginning to realise is his default - concern.

“But I had to - have to - do this. If I can't even organise this, what good am I?” Magnus expels a breath harshly. “I'm so sorry, Alexander, I-”

“Hey, don't apologise,” Alec gently cuts in, and the hand that isn't holding Magnus’ shoulder immediately comes up, so that Alec is cupping Magnus’ face. “I'm sorry, for making you think you had to do all this. This isn't your responsibility.”

“No but… who am I if I can't even do this?” Magnus asks, a hint of shaky desperation, raw at the edges, shining through in his tone. Fuck, he's so tired. So unbelievably stressed out over this. “I can't even do this, and now the Institute is in danger and I can't even -”

“Magnus, please. It's alright. You've done more than enough,” Alec says. “And in case you're wondering, you are Magnus Bane. You are strong and powerful and kind.  _ That's who you are.” _

Alec's hugging Magnus tight against him before Magnus can even react. Magnus feels shaky, as if he could burst out of his own skin right here and now, if not for the way that Alec holds onto him, as if he's holding Magnus together.

“The Institute will be just fine. Everyone will be ok. We're safe, and you've done more than enough,” Alec whispers, security lacing each word, conviction heavy in his tone. Magnus doesn't trust himself to reply, doesn't trust that he won't immediately freak-out again, and so, he just settles with nodding against Alec's shoulder.

_ I haven't done enough. _

They stay like that for who knows how long. And yet, Magnus can't help but think that it's not long enough, when they finally pull apart. The stress, despite everything, reverberates within him, and doesn't melt away at all

Magnus really fucking wishes that it did.

~

It's Wednesday, and Magnus feels overwhelmed.

The sleep deprivation at this point probably doesn't help. As he sits on the couch, he rubs at his face wearily, trying so hard to hold onto some semblance of calm. But it's so difficult.

They're in the middle of babysitting.

Madzie is gushing about some new mundane television show she's been watching, voice high-pitched and excited, as she sits on the floor with her colouring book. Alec is next to her, sighing and nodding and reacting where appropriate, a small smile constantly playing on his lips.

It's a picture-perfect scenario. Watching the way Alec softens around Madzie is something Magnus will never truly get over. Normally, he'd be beaming with satisfaction and joy at the sight of the two of them, wrapped up in discussions of fictionalised mermaids from Madzie's show compared to the real thing as Alec tries to steer Madzie to colour more in the lines. It's domestic and homely and something Magnus could not have imagined he'd be witnessing a year ago.

And yet, for some reason, every sound that the two of them make seems to grate on the insides of his ears, hurting his head. Madzie is quiet by nature, though she's a little louder today, and yet the sound of her laugh, which normally just prompts Magnus to laugh along, has Magnus now wincing in his seat. Madzie and Alec are too distracted in their conversation to notice, which Magnus is grateful for.

Immediately after, he feels a wave of guilt and irritation at himself wash over him. What's wrong with him? He normally loves babysitting Madzie, and when he'd gotten the apologetic call from Cat this morning about it, Magnus had been eager to say yes to letting Madzie come over for a few hours. Now, all he can do is sit on the couch a few steps away from the two of them and try to keep himself from screaming out in frustration.

The self-loathing is strong, because Magnus loves Madzie, and of course, loves Alec. His life is full of so many blessings, and yet for some reason, it seems like everything is too loud and too bright and too sudden and…

Madzie snaps her fingers with a practiced twist, and the crayons as well as her colouring book move by themselves, floating and dangling in the air above the three of them, before settling back to the floor. The crayons are now all back in their box, and the book is now closed. It's simple, but she's cleaned up her stuff, and Alec does a quiet little cheer before clapping silently.

The crackle in the air that lingers from Madzie's magic is the most overwhelming thing of all. It fills Magnus’ head, and it feels like his mind is splintering. It's too much, it's all so loud and in his face and he can't handle it.

In essence, he cracks.

With a quick whisper of a need for fresh air, Magnus stumbles away from the couch he's been sitting on, only nodding apologetically for a moment before pivoting on the spot and making his way to the balcony.

It's cool tonight, and the wind whips around him as Magnus opens the balcony door to get out. He makes a conscious effort to remember to close the door with his hands instead of just waving it closed with a bit of magic as he usually does. When he's safely alone on the balcony, he rushes to the seat overlooking Brooklyn and practically collapses onto it.

It's late afternoon, but the sun is practically gone at this point, painting the city in a wash of darkness that Magnus finds surprisingly relaxing. It's not nearly as bright as the inside of the loft. Instead, Magnus tries to focus on all the little street lights and lit windows he can see. These little pinpricks of life, so close and yet so far, do much to ground him.

The sounds of the city below seem so far away, and they add a nice layer of white noise to everything as Magnus sits and recuperates. He doesn't have any idea what's wrong with him. He'd literally been fine a little bit ago.

But being in that room, at one point, had just gotten too overwhelming for his senses to handle.

Oh, how Magnus hates himself for feeling like this. He's  _ so lucky.  _ Why is he running away right now, when he could be spending time with two of the people he holds so close to his heart? What is he doing out here, alone on some chilly evening in New York, when he could be in there?

He doesn't know why he feels so overwhelmed, as if every sensation has been heightened uncomfortably. All he knows is he hates the feeling.

“Magnus,” the voice is quiet, almost drowned out by the rush of the wind, but Magnus hears it nonetheless. How could he not hear it? Turning his head around, Magnus spots Alec, closing the balcony door and approaching him.

“Madzie shouldn't be alone,” Magnus says wearily. Alec sighs, shaking his head.

“Madzie and Catarina left a few minutes ago. I would've called you in but…” Alec doesn't finish the statement. Magnus doesn't know what to make of that, though he is grateful that Alec didn't call him in ultimately. It probably would've just made Magnus feel even more like shit.

“How long have I been out here?” Magnus asks shallowly, eyes unable to keep looking at Alec, and instead looking out at the cityscape before them. Somewhere down there, Cat and Madzie are portalling home right now. Portalling away from Magnus, who didn't even say goodbye to them because of how unstable he feels.

_ How terrible am I? _

“Not long,” Alec replies, though Magnus doesn't know whether to believe him or not. Has he been out here for long? To be truthful, Magnus can't help but feel that his sense of the passage of time has been thoroughly ruined since he lost his magic and became properly mortal. Time moves like unstable sand, shifting and changing and slipping through his fingers, and Magnus doesn't know how to keep up.

“Magnus, what's wrong? I've never seen you so… keyed-up with Madzie before.”

Magnus turns his head away from the view beyond him, and he sees Alec kneeling near the chair he's sitting in, concern alight in his gaze.

And for a horrible moment, Magnus just wants Alec to leave him alone. The constancy of his concern and worry is usually so sweet, but now, something about it rubs Magnus a little too raw. He doesn't know why, but for a moment, even Alec's presence here is just too much, and Magnus feels the strong urge to suddenly run away.

Breathing in and out deeply, Magnus takes a moment for his mind to calm down, closing his eyes.

Once upon a time, Magnus would've just lied and admitted his tiredness or something along those lines. But he's come to learn, throughout this relationship, that the best way to keep their trust as a couple is to communicate. Be truthful. Share.

Releasing a harsh sigh, Magnus rubs at his face before leaning forward, face coming closer to Alec's. “Honestly? I don't know, Alexander,” Magnus admits, trying not to sound too choked up.

Alec frowns, but he doesn't say anything, which Magnus appreciates. It gives him time to try and organise his thoughts, but it's hard. His trillion thoughts are wisps of smoke, and he's unable to tie down any single one to properly verbalise.

“It's like, one minute, I'm fine. And then… I don't know,” Magnus sighs, feeling like every word spoken requires a tremendous effort to say. “I just reached a point where… everything was just too much. The lights were too bright, your voices were too loud, and my head felt - feels - like it's going to… crack open or something.”

He knows he's rambling, and he knows he's not making any sense, but he can't help it. He's stuttering, and only now does he realise that he's beginning to hyperventilate.

“You probably think th - that I'm a dick or something. I sure sound like one,” Magnus continues, and his voice definitely sounds breathier at this point. His gaze is fixed on his hands in his lap as he continues to breathe shallowly, and he can barely see Alec's own hands reach out to hold him in the dimness of the night.

“Hey, you don't sound like a dick, Magnus,” Alec says, a touch of incredulity in his tone, as if Magnus berating himself is ridiculous in itself. “Magnus, look at me.”

Magnus, in his hazy state, immediately obliges, flicking his gaze up.

“Take some deep breaths for me, alright?” Alec says quietly, eyes boring into Magnus’ own. Magnus follows the instruction, closing his eyes for a few moments as he regulates his breathing. He focuses on the feeling, the security, of Alec's grip, and lets the steady breeze blow past him, hears it whistle past his ears quietly.

When his breathing is back to normal, Magnus opens his eyes to find Alec gazing at him reverently. As if he, Magnus Bane, isn't some hyperventilating mess on this balcony.

Alec looks at him as if Magnus has conquered the world.

“I'm sorry,” Magnus apologises, voice quiet and hoarse. What is he apologising for? A multitude of things.

_ I'm sorry I'm acting crazy. I'm sorry I'm not strong, or powerful, or kind, or any of those other lovely words you try to use to describe me. I'm sorry I can't even tell you what's going on, because I don't even know what's going on. _

_ I'm sorry for being me. _

“No.  _ I'm _ sorry, Magnus. I should've realised something was up sooner. And I didn't think about how seeing Madzie's magic would have affected you, and I should have,” Alec says, and Magnus hates it, hates how his beautiful Alexander is  _ apologising  _ when he's done absolutely nothing to warrant such apologies.

“Why are you apologising? You've been nothing but supportive, Alec,” Magnus replies, tiredness beginning to seep into his tone and his posture. He feels drained, somehow buzzed with stress and yet exhausted out of his mind all at the same time.

Alec doesn't say a word in response, but he smiles sadly  and with that, he leans further forward and kisses Magnus softly. It's achingly gentle, as they clutch their conjoined hands tightly with each other, and Magnus tries to ignore the racing thoughts in his head and the exhaustion in his soul. He fights it, just to try and sink into the feeling of Alec, his rock, his security, holding his hands and kissing him. Telling Magnus that he's there for him.

When they break apart, the fragile spell breaks apart, and Magnus suddenly feels so tired, so incredibly drained.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alec asks, and man, what did Magnus do to deserve someone so giving as the beautiful man before him now?

And that's why it hurts Magnus even more, as he hears himself say, “I'm just tired. I'll feel better in the morning.”

Magnus doesn't know if either of them believe it, but he's out of his chair and walking away before he can think of anything else to say.

~

It's Thursday, and Magnus feels empty.

Ok, maybe empty isn't the right word for it. To be honest, Magnus doesn't know what to call it.

Ever since he lost his magic, he's been floundering around, trying to find things to do and trying not to sit still. But today?

It's some time in the afternoon, and Magnus hasn't left his bed basically all day.

Glancing to his side, Magnus grabs his phone and clicks it on. It's past 5 in the afternoon. He hasn't really done anything all day, has just laid in bed. He's messed around on his phone and listened to music and read books and eventually, he just settled with napping. He hasn't even eaten anything.

It's strange. Usually, he's the type of person that likes to keep busy, that likes to keep bustling around and doing things. Yet when he had woken up late this morning, he'd felt a bone-deep exhaustion that he hasn't truly experienced before.

It's different to the exhaustion he would feel after depleting his magic, or after a long day running numerous errands. This kind of tiredness that clings to him now just bogs him down for no apparent reason, and he feels unmotivated to do anything at all.

“Magnus, I'm back,” the voice is the only thing to alert Magnus of Alec's presence in the loft. He has no wards any more to let him know innately when Alec's here. “Where are y-”

Alec's voice drops off mid-question, and Magnus blearily blinks his eyes as he faces the doorway to the bedroom. Alec looks equally shocked and confused to see Magnus still in bed.

“Are you feeling unwell?” Alec asks quickly, immediately walking briskly over until he's standing right next to Magnus. He places the back of his hand on Magnus’ forehead, brow creased in concentration. Or thought.

“No fever,” Alec mumbles. With that, he turns properly and sits down on the bed, looking down at Magnus worriedly. “What's going on, Magnus?”

“I don't feel well. I'm tired,” Magnus mumbles back.

Alec frowns. “Why? What happened?”

“I don't know. But I know my body, and I know I'm tired,” Magnus replies shortly.

How could he possibly be able to verbalise the deep-seated  _ wrongness  _ he feels within his own body, now that he has no magic? How could he explain the weariness that has dragged him slowly yet surely to the place he is right now, where all he feels is empty and tired?

It truly hits Magnus, here and now, that things will never be the same. He's trapped in this newfound existence. And for a while, he actually thought he was handling it really well.

But he looks at Alec, sees the way he peers down at him, and Magnus knows now. He feels no pure relief or happiness, no usual feelings he often associates with Alec.

In this moment, he feels more alone and isolated than ever.

“Magnus, you can't keep saying you don't know,” Alec responds.

Is it true? Is it true that Magnus doesn't know? Yes, and no. Because he does know why, but he also doesn't understand why he feels the way he does, and he also can't possibly explain it, and he doesn't want to sound like he regrets it, because it saved Jace and it saved Alec and it saved the city from Lilith, but even then, what does he do now?

_ What do I do? What do I know? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. _

“Alexander, I just… I can't,” Magnus exhales shakily, and he closes his eyes and curls a little more into himself. “Can you just leave me alone?”

“Magnus, you need to let me help you,” Alec's voice sounds rough, probably harder than he had intended. Magnus knows Alec is tired, and he knows that he's probably warping the tone in his head, but the paranoia somehow begins to drown out any sense of rationality in his mind.

_ Alec's mad at me. Because I'm not talking to him. But what can I say? I don't even know what to say. But isn't that why he's mad at me in the first place? Because I don't know. I'm so stupid. Alec's mad at me because I'm stupid  _

_ Alec's mad at me. He hates me. _

“Alec, please, you need to just leave me alone,” Magnus’ voice is unsteady, breathy. Everything's just too much, and he just needs to be alone right now. Even alone away from Alec.

“Magnus, I can't -”

_ Alec hates me. _

“Please, Alexander.”

Magnus can't see Alec with his closed eyes, but he hears an intake of breath, as if Alec is ready to say something. But then, nothing else happens for a moment.

Magnus eventually feels the mattress shift under him to indicate Alec vacating the bed. All he hears is quiet footsteps, and perhaps a sniffle or two. Magnus can't tell if it's from himself or from Alec.

And then after that, there's nothing. It's just Magnus, alone with his thoughts, tired of himself.

Alec doesn't come back that Thursday night. Which is what Magnus wanted, right? He told Alec he wanted to be alone. That doesn't change the fact that the empty void next to him that night just makes him feel even worse.

_ He definitely hates me now,  _ Magnus reflects to himself before he finally manages to drift off into a restless sleep.

~

It's Friday, and Magnus can't breathe.

_ Where is it? Where is it? Where the hell is it? _

He's frantic in the way that he practically tears the loft to pieces, scrambling all around as he searches. He couldn't have lost it, he  _ couldn't have,  _ but he can't find it, and it's driving him insane.

Scrambling as he takes in shallow heaving breaths, Magnus unceremoniously shoves a pile of books onto the floor, searching every nook and cranny of this particular shelf until he's sure it's not there either. And then, that's it. He's searched everywhere in his loft, top to bottom, in every single room, and he can't find it.

He can't find his omamori.

Magnus crumples to the floor as he thinks about it, spiralling as he thinks of how upset Alec will be, that Magnus lost his gift. How upset he is with himself, for losing one of his most treasured possessions so easily. How frivolous is he, for him to lose something so quickly like that?

He has no magic. He can't summon his omamori back to him.

_ I'm so useless. What is Alec going to think? He'll hate me if he doesn't already. How stupid am I. No magic, no sense, no use, nothing. _

_ I'm nothing. _

Magnus is hyperventilating, but it's hard for him to stop the steep descent of his thoughts. He begins to feel lightheaded, and he ducks his head down to rest on his knees as dizziness begins to overwhelm him. His heart is beating so fast, the stuttering beat practically pounding in his head, and his face begins to feel all tingly, like pins and needles.

Shutting his eyes, Magnus doesn't know what to do.

The rational part of him knows that he needs to calm down, but it's drowned out by the churning thoughts in his head and the anxiety swirling in his gut. His head hurts as it spins, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't control his breathing at all.

His breaths are so quick, and yet, Magnus feels winded.

Distantly, Magnus notes the sound of the front door clicking open, barely audible over the sounds of his rapid breathing, but he can't bring himself to open his eyes and check for himself. He thinks he hears someone call his name, but it's honestly too difficult to tell at this point.

_ I'm so stupid. I don't matter. What am I doing? I can't stay awake, or help at the Institute, or babysit, or even keep track of a gift. Why am I like this? _

The sensation that finally breaks through to Magnus is the gentle touch on his arm. Only now does Magnus realise he's somehow curled himself into a ball on the floor, back against the couch. The gentle touch turns into the sensation of someone holding onto Magnus’ hands, which are currently clasped together in front of his legs.

“Magnus, breathe with me,” Alec's voice sounds murky, faraway, but this time, Magnus can distinguish what he's saying. With that, Magnus feels one hand reach out to cup his cheek. Magnus’ head follows the gentle guidance of Alec's hand as he slowly blinks open his eyes, until he's looking at Alec right in the eye.

Alec makes a show of inhaling deeply and slowly, before exhaling from his mouth with a loud sigh. It's exaggerated and slow, and he encourages Magnus to breathe along with him. He keeps that one hand on Magnus’ cheek, the other still resting where Magnus’ hands are conjoined.

Magnus feels wetness on his face, and it takes him a solid moment to figure out that he's crying. He blinks wearily to try and clear the murkiness of his vision, and he keeps his eyes locked on Alec's as he tries to follow along with Alec, and breathe slowly.

He doesn't know how much time passes until his breathing returns to normal, but eventually, with Alec's help, it does. His face still feels a little numb, and he's still a little dizzy, and he still has a little bit of nausea, but he feels leagues better than he did before Alec arrived.

Eventually, Magnus straightens his back, sniffling with a sense of finality as he wipes his face with the back of his hand. He locks his gaze to the floor, unable to face the confusion or pity or fear in Alec's face, a reaction Magnus will certainly face as a result of his own stupidity.

“I should've never left you,” Alec mumbles. “I went back to the Institute, and I was doing research. And I crashed there accidentally. I'm so sorry, Magnus.”

“No,” Magnus immediately counters, voice wavering even as he keeps staring at the floor intently. “I asked you to leave me alone. And now, I…”

Magnus doesn't want to tell Alec about the omamori. What if Alec hates him for it? But he also doesn't want to keep this from Alec. Magnus knows of the destructive nature of miscommunication, and they've both made so much progress in overcoming that particular issue in their relationship.

“I lost my omamori charm,” Magnus admits in a rush, even squeezing his eyes shut, as if ripping off a band-aid. “I feel terrible, and I'm so sorry, Alexander. And I know that's a stupid reason to freak out, but I couldn't help but spiral when I couldn't find it.”

“I can see that,” Alec mumbles quietly. The tone isn't judgemental, but rather observatory, making Magnus glance up to survey the area, and he winces slightly at the sight of his loft, turned upside-down and looking the most messy it ever has in all the years Magnus has owned the place.

Books and knick-knacks are strewn everywhere, and bulky appliances have all been shoved onto the side of one counter. The couch cushions are still lying upturned on the floor, and there's loose paper seemingly in every space. Magnus leans forward slightly, peeking into the doorway of the bedroom, and sees a mound of clothes sitting right there, filtering into the hallway as well. They're all just signs and reminders of his descent, and seeing the resulting mess now just makes Magnus feel even worse.

“Magnus, please look at me,” Alec says after a moment. But Magnus, he doesn't deserve to look Alec in the eye, not after all this, and so he just shuts his eyes instead, shaking his head vehemently. A multitude of emotions swirl within him, but there's one that seems to dwarf all the others by comparison.

Self-loathing.

“Magnus,” Alec whispers gently, even reverently, and Magnus hates it, because he  _ doesn't deserve it.  _ Magnus doesn't deserve anything good at this point.

And again, it repeats in his head.  _ No magic, no sense, no use, nothing. _

“Please, Magnus. Open your eyes and look at me,” Alec asks, his tone quiet and gentle. And yet, it reverberates within Magnus’ skull, quieting his trillion other thoughts just for a moment. With that, Magnus slowly opens his eyes.

Fresh tears softly fall, but Magnus ignores them as he locks gazes with Alec. His wonderful, gracious and kind Alexander. Alec's own eyes are a little red, and a wave of guilt washes over Magnus for ever making him worry in the first place.

“I'm so sorry that I left you alone. I shouldn't have done that. I should've been here for you,” Alec says, voice remorseful but also hard, as if Alec is mad at himself or something.

“No, Alexander,” Magnus shakes his head slightly. “Why would you ever be sorry? I'm the one who asked you to leave. I'm the one who lost the omamori. I'm the one who was acting like a terrible uncle on Wednesday, and I'm the one who couldn't help with the wards, and I'm the one who couldn't even get out of bed yesterday, and I -”

“Magnus, stop,” Alec firmly says, stopping Magnus from his verbal spiral. He reaches forward, placing a hand on Magnus’ wet cheek, and Magnus can't help but lean into the touch, allowing  himself this moment of selfishness he knows he doesn't deserve.

“You've been suffering so much, and I never truly realised that until yesterday, and even more so today,” Alec frowns, the feeling of his hand on Magnus’ cheek being the only tether Magnus has. Maybe it's the words Alec says, or the comforting presence of his hold, or the single tear that escapes Alec's eye.

Whatever it is, something breaks Magnus right down the middle in that moment. And his tears come forth again, waves of sobs wracking his body as he crashes forward, lurching and clutching blindly to Alec like a madman.

He, in this moment, truly feels mad. Absolutely crazy.

Breaking down in Alec's hold had been the last thing Magnus had ever wanted to happen, but he's powerless to stop the cries that escape him now that the floodgates have opened.

And he cries. Magnus cries and sobs and wheezes apologies breathily even as he continues.

“Don't be sorry,” Alec mutters quietly, as he rubs soothing circles along Magnus’ back. “Take your time.”

And Magnus takes the advice. For long drawn-out minutes, he just cries into Alec's embrace, the only sounds filling the loft being his sons and sniffles.

“Alexander, I…” Magnus sputters slowly. “I feel… I feel so  _ empty.  _ I thought I could handle this, but I can't. I can't, Alec, I just can't.”

Alec doesn't say anything, but he continues rubbing Magnus’ back in support, and Magnus swears he can feel him place a soft kiss on the top of his head.

“I don't know how t-to explain it,” Magnus whispers, voice wet and nasally. “It's like, suddenly I've lost a limb. Or I've lost the sense of sight. Or… the world is in black-and-white now. I'm not  _ me  _ anymore, Alexander. I feel like a shell of myself.”

There's such a difficulty to verbalising this to someone who has never experienced having magic before. How do you relate your experience as a warlock, stripped of everything, to someone who doesn't understand the way a warlock's magic feels?

Magic is timeless, yet finite. It is beautiful, yet terrifying. It can heal but it can also inflict pain and suffering, in a million different ways. It's as if magic is finely woven within the fabric of a warlock's DNA, of a warlock's very essence.

“You know that magic… it connects me, to everything and everyone around me, somehow. I've had it all my life until now,” Magnus exhales shakily. “And now… I feel like my soul's been taken. And here you are, left with absolutely  _ nothing.” _

There's no way in the world that Magnus can hide the pure self-loathing and disgust with himself as he says that. Because he truly is nothing, now.

Alec, who's remained quiet this whole time, makes a disapproving noise at that. “Magnus Bane, you are not nothing. You're my everything,” he says, and damn it, he sounds so sincere that Magnus has to open his eyes and look at Alec properly to keep himself from falling apart from hearing those words.

“I'm nothing without my magic, Alexander,” Magnus counters, grip instinctively tightening around Alec's middle. “Look at me. I'm a mess. I feel like a ghost of myself. I can't do anything, and I feel so tired and sad and…” Magnus trails off, unable to continue. Not when Alec is looking so reverently, with such determination, right back at him.

“I'm not a professional, Magnus. I did some research, and I can see the signs, but… I think you need to see a professional,” Alec says, tone measured, but eyes brimming with emotion. “There's only so much I can do. All I can tell you is that I love you. I love you more than anyone in the world. You are special and kind and brave and generous and everything I've ever wanted, magic or not.”

Magnus is shaking his head before he even really realises, but Alec grabs him by the side of his face with one hand to stop the motion, to keep their gazes connected. “And I know that there's a voice in your head, telling you to not believe me. But I'm telling the truth, Magnus. I'm here for you, to support you every step of the way,” Alec continues. “And if you're willing, I was talking to someone over the phone last night, who's a professional in helping those who've been excommunicated from the Shadow World in coping with changes. My mother's already visited her a few times.”

Eyes widening in surprise, Alec answers the unasked question: “My mother wasn't coping well when transitioning to being a mundane, and she says that the sessions have been good for her,” Alec explains. “And I really think you should consider it.”

Magnus hesitates. Oh, how he wishes to not feel this way anymore. But…

“You must think I'm pathetic,” Magnus verbalises the thought unintentionally. Alec shakes his head adamantly at that, almost as if he's offended that Magnus would even suggest that.

“No, never,” Alec replies, and Magnus can feel the conviction in those two words alone, can see it in the intensity of Alec's stare. “I think you're the strongest and bravest person I know. And getting help won't change that. It'll make you even stronger and even braver.”

Gulping, Magnus flicks his gaze to the floor as he thinks. How is it, that his Alexander always knows what to say to make Magnus feel better again? How does he seem to know exactly what Magnus needs to hear?

For the first time in who knows how long, Magnus smiles. It's small and it falls off his face quickly, but it's genuine and it's there, if only for a moment. “I am so sorry about everything I've put you through this past week. And for losing the omamori,” Magnus says.

Alec smiles softly too, shaking his head. “You saved me, and you saved the city, with your selflessness. And remember that I'm your boyfriend. You don't need to apologise. All that matters to me is that you're ok,” something about Alec's tone indicates a sense of finality that Magnus isn't entirely too sure about, but he can't really ruminate on it for too long before Alec lightly chuckles. “And we can ask Cat to find the omamori. Or even get Madzie to practice her summoning.”

The mention of the magic of others leaves a sour taste in Magnus’ mouth, and that's when it clicks in his head that he never explicitly agreed to Alec's suggestion.

“Would you come with me? To my first session with this… professional?” the questions rush out of Magnus, and the eager way Alec nods as his face lights up with a grin makes Magnus feel lighter than he has all week.

Leaning forward, Alec kisses Magnus slowly, and Magnus closes his eyes as he sinks into the feeling. It's a kiss of promise, a promise of hope and love and support, and when they break apart and open their eyes, there's newfound determination in both their states.

Magnus knows that Alec's love alone won't solve his problems. But the support from Alec's love, the support to do what he needs to do to help himself? That, more than anything to Magnus, is absolutely priceless.

With Alexander by his side, Magnus feels as if anything is possible.

* * *

As they hold each other, still on the floor of the loft, a newfound resolution builds within Alec.

Alec thinks of the past week. Of Magnus’ unending fatigue. Of his increasing panic and anxiety. Of his self-deprecation, a thin veneer to the self-hatred simmering under the surface. Of the uncharacteristic anger with Madzie, or coldness with Alec. Of the way Magnus had broken down just moments ago.

_ I feel like my soul's been taken. _

Alec hadn't been lying before. He had accidentally fallen asleep at the Institute after researching the whole day, something he regrets deeply even now.

It's true, that he had researched what he could on mundane websites about anxiety and depression, and the signs and symptoms. And yes, he had indeed called the woman that his mother has been regularly visiting, asking about vacancies. 

But he'd done more than that.

Alec had collapsed in the library on Thursday night, right on top of an old volume regarding how to use a warlock medium to contact greater demons. In particular, a certain Prince of Hell.

The spark of determination within him from Thursday had grown into an explosion as he had helped Magnus through his panic attack (according to what Alec had recently read about). Now, as he just holds the love of his life, his entire world, in his arms, his mind sharpens as one single goal crystallises in his mind.

_ I'm going to Asmodeus. And I am getting Magnus’ magic and immortality back no matter what. _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked that? Idk what this is tbh but I am glad I wrote it. And if anything here struck a chord with you, don't be afraid to reach out and get help, just like our precious boi Magnus.
> 
> (also in this au, I like to think that asmodeus is not nearly as big of a dick as show!asmodeus, but you can decide for yourself what happens after)
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


End file.
